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Last Updated: May 29th, 2008 - 10:52:29 |
When someone is lead to consider adoption, whether as an expectant parent or adoptive parent, there have been trials, pain, sorrow and hard decisions. It would behoove us all to gain greater understanding of all sides of the adoption triad.
Too many adoptive parents have no clue what it is like to be on the placing end of adoption...and visa versa. I would like to think that the greater compassion, understanding and consideration should be from the adoptive parents to the birthparents, but there seems to be a great lack of education in that area. I would love to see that everyone who conducts a homestudy requires a fair amount of time to adoption education of the adoptive parents, whether through classes or reading. I would also like to see more options counseling for expectant parents.
Conversely, often a significant period of time later, it is good for birthparents to gain some understanding of what adoptive families have gone through to get them to the point of adoption. There are similarities to be considered. To demonstrate this, here is a poem:
The Two Journeys
Aching for the sweet little bundle
In your arms,
Where there is nothing.
To hear a little coo or laugh,
Brings joy and sorrow intertwined.
The emptiness, the endless tears,
The years of drawn out prayer.
The journey to motherhood
Has taken quite a different turn.
Will it ever be for me?
A bright new soul has leapt into life,
Turning One’s sorrow to joy,
And One’s joy to sorrow.
Aching for the sweet little bundle
In someone else’s arms,
There is nothing here but the memory.
To hear a little coo or laugh,
Brings joy and sorrow intertwined.
The emptiness, the endless tears,
The years of drawn out prayer.
The journey to motherhood
Has taken quite a different turn
Than I ever thought for me.
Both parents know the pain of not having a child in their arms. What many adoptive parents forget is that a birthparent lives with that the rest of their lives. Even in open adoptions, it's not the same as having your child with you. I suppose the best analogy is divorce and child custody. You may get to see your child, but not as frequently or as long as you would like to. It's just not the same as them living with you.
Birthparents don't forget. The pain doesn't really ever completely go away. They can "move on" with their lives, but the experience is a permanent part of their lives and leaves an eternal impact. Even with birthparents who knew without a shadow of a doubt that they were doing what was best for their child, it is still so very, very difficult! There are times when a birthparent who has gotten married, is raising their family, etc., who may at times not dwell on the adoption experience...may not even think about it for a few days...and then feel so GUILTY that they didn't. It's a never-ending process.
It's also important that birthparents understand that the adoptive family has been through things in their lives that do help them relate, in a small degree, to the pain the birthparents are going through. As I said, they know what it is like to not have their child to hold. There may have been many miscarriages, which is like experiencing a child dying (somewhat like some birthmoms feel in placing...like dealing with a death). There are parallels. I am in no way saying that it's the same. It is not. But as in placing, an adoptive couple who has experienced a miscarriage or never getting pregnant, can never "replace" that child they would have had. Even if they adopt a dozen children, it doesn't erase the pain of what was lost. I would say a birthparent can relate to that to a degree. When you do have a family, it doesn't "replace" the child you placed for adoption.
I feel that the adoption world needs to get real about birthparent issues. Counseling is more than a few minutes before making the monumental decision to place. That counseling needs to be provided, offered, encouraged for many, many years after placement, maybe even for their lifetime. Open adoption needs to be encouraged, explored, taught and implemented whenever possible. It's healthy for all involved, unless unusual circumstances are involved, such as drug abuse, untreated mental illness, etc., where the child may be unduly influenced or put at risk. There is usually some type of supervision that can be used even in those cases. I believe contact in those situations may need to be decided upon by all parties involved as to the best interest of the child.
Counseling, education, support groups, etc., need to be available to adoptees to address any adoption related issues that may come up. I believe this is minimized in open and semi-open adoptions. There are adoptees that never feel the need to seek out answers from birthparents, and others that feel an empty hole in their lives, all their lives.
This is a call to adoption professionals to increase education in adoption for all members of the triad. A call to members of the adoption triad to encourage or demand more education from professionals! Even though it is still a very difficult part of life, when an adoption plan is made by a birthparent who has as much adoption education and options counseling as necessary and possible, the outcome is better for all involved.
by Pam Banta, adoptive parent, sister to a birthmom, director of A Nurture Adopt Adoption Agency and 'Teens & Tots...Or NOT', a community teen education program. Developer of the Nurture Adopt Adoption Resources website. www.nurtureadopt.org anaaapam@nurtureadopt.org
© Copyright 2008 by AdoptionDesk.com
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